5 Red Flags Your Couples Therapist Is Actually Making Things Worse
Alex and Jordan had been in couples therapy for nine months. Nine months of weekly sessions. Nine months of copays and rearranged schedules and emotional energy.
And things were worse, not better.
“Every session feels like a refereed fight,” Alex told me in our first meeting. “Our therapist just sits there and lets us argue. Occasionally she’ll say something like ‘I hear both of you have valid points’ or ‘That must be hard for both of you.’ But nothing changes. We leave feeling exhausted and hopeless.”
Jordan nodded. “Sometimes I feel like the therapist is on Alex’s side. Like she understands Alex’s perspective but thinks I’m just being difficult or defensive. It doesn’t feel neutral at all.”
Here’s what was happening: Their therapist was well-meaning and caring. But she was inadvertently making their relationship worse by recreating the exact pattern that was destroying them—right there in the therapy room.
After two decades of working with couples and supervising other therapists, I’ve identified the main reasons couples therapy fails—and how to know if your therapy is actually helping or hurting.
Red Flag #1: Your Therapist Lacks Specialized Couples Training
This is the most common problem: your therapist has general counseling skills but hasn’t received specialized training in relational dynamics.
Couples therapy is a completely different skill set than individual therapy. It requires understanding:
- Pursuer-distancer patterns
- Attachment theory applied to adult relationships
- How to prevent isomorphic processes
- Systemic dynamics and feedback loops
- How to actively interrupt destructive patterns in real-time
Many therapists assume that if they can help individuals, they can help couples. But that’s like assuming that because you can play tennis, you can play doubles. The skills overlap, but the game is fundamentally different.
How to Assess: Ask your prospective therapist:
- “What specialized training do you have in couples therapy?”
- “Are you trained in EFT, Gottman Method, or systemic family therapy?”
- “How do you prevent the therapy room from recreating our problematic patterns?”
If they look confused or can’t articulate a specific approach, find someone else.
Red Flag #2: One Partner Dominates the Sessions
Here’s what was happening with Alex and Jordan:
In their sessions, Alex would talk. A lot. Alex is articulate and has thought deeply about the relationship. Alex would explain the problems, provide examples, offer insights, and essentially fill the entire hour with words.
Jordan, who is quieter and more internal, would sit there mostly silent. Occasionally Jordan would try to speak, but Alex would interrupt with “That’s not quite accurate. What actually happened was…”
And the therapist let this happen.
This is called an isomorphic process—when the therapy room recreates the couple’s destructive dynamic. Alex pursues at home, Jordan distances at home. And the pattern was playing out identically in therapy, with the therapist unconsciously facilitating it.
A skilled therapist would interrupt this pattern immediately:
“Alex, I can see you have a lot to say and I want to hear it. But I notice Jordan hasn’t spoken much yet today. Jordan, I’d like to hear your perspective, and I’m going to ask Alex to just listen without interrupting. Can you both do that?”
If your therapist is allowing one partner to dominate while the other withdraws, they’re part of the problem, not the solution.
Red Flag #3: Your Therapist Takes Sides
Therapy should feel neutral. Both partners should feel like their perspective is understood and validated, even when the therapist challenges them.
If you consistently feel like your therapist:
- Understands your partner better than you
- Thinks you’re “the problem”
- Sympathizes with your partner’s complaints about you
- Seems frustrated or impatient with you specifically
That’s a problem.
Sometimes therapists unconsciously identify with one partner—usually the one whose communication style or attachment pattern is similar to their own. If your therapist is a pursuer, they might sympathize more with the pursuing partner. If they’re conflict-avoidant, they might have more patience for the distancing partner.
How to Address: Try saying directly: “I’m noticing I feel like you understand my partner’s perspective better than mine. Can we talk about that?”
A good therapist will take this feedback seriously and examine their own biases. A defensive therapist will make excuses or blame you for being “too sensitive.”
Red Flag #4: You’ve Been in Therapy for Months Without Seeing Real Change
If you’ve been in couples therapy for 3-6 months and things aren’t improving—or are getting worse—something is wrong.
Good couples therapy should show some progress relatively quickly. Not complete transformation, but tangible shifts:
- You’re fighting less frequently or less intensely
- You’re able to repair conflicts more quickly
- You have some new tools you’re using at home
- You understand your pattern better
- There are moments of genuine connection that didn’t exist before
If none of these things are happening, the therapy isn’t working.
I’m not saying every couple should be “fixed” in a few sessions. Some situations are genuinely complex. Some couples have decades of damage to work through.
But there should be movement. Progress. Hope. A sense that you’re learning and growing, not just processing and complaining.
Red Flag #5: Your Therapy Is All Processing, No Tools
Some therapists believe that if you just talk about your feelings long enough, everything will magically get better.
It won’t.
You need tools. Concrete, practical strategies you can use at home when conflict arises.
Good couples therapy includes:
- Psychoeducation about common relationship patterns
- Specific communication techniques tailored to your dynamic
- Exercises to practice between sessions
- Real-time coaching and interruption of destructive patterns
- Homework that reinforces new skills
If your therapy sessions are just you and your partner talking about your feelings while the therapist nods sympathetically, you’re not getting what you need.
What Good Couples Therapy Looks Like
Let me show you the difference.
Bad therapy session:
Alex and Jordan argue for 45 minutes about who does more housework. The therapist occasionally says “I hear both of you” or “That sounds hard.” The session ends with both feeling exhausted and nothing resolved.
Good therapy session:
Alex starts to criticize Jordan about housework. The therapist interrupts immediately:
“Hold on, Alex. I’m going to stop you there. I notice you’re starting with criticism—’You never…’ Let me help you rephrase that as a wish instead. What do you actually need from Jordan right now?”
Alex: “I need him to help more with cleaning.”
Therapist: “That’s still pretty vague. Can you be more specific about what would help you feel supported?”
Alex: “I need to feel like we’re a team. Like I’m not carrying all the household responsibility alone.”
Therapist: “Good. That’s the real need. Now Jordan, when you hear Alex say she needs to feel like you’re teammates in running the house, what comes up for you?”
Jordan: “I feel like I do help, but it’s never good enough for her.”
Therapist: “So you’re feeling inadequate. Like your efforts don’t count. Does that sound right?”
Jordan: “Yes.”
Therapist: “Okay, so here’s what I’m seeing: Alex, you need to feel appreciated and like you’re not alone in maintaining the house. Jordan, you need to feel like your efforts are recognized and you’re good enough. Let’s talk about how you can both get what you need.”
See the difference? The good therapist:
- Interrupts destructive patterns immediately
- Helps translate criticism into needs
- Identifies the underlying wishes for both partners
- Actively facilitates productive conversation
- Teaches tools in real-time
When to Switch Therapists
If you’re reading this and recognizing multiple red flags, it might be time to find a different therapist.
But before you leave, try having this conversation:
“We’ve been coming here for [X months] and I’m not seeing the progress I’d hoped for. I’m noticing [specific concern]. Can we talk about whether this therapy is actually helping us?”
A good therapist will appreciate your honesty and either:
- Adjust their approach based on your feedback
- Explain why progress might be slower than you’d hoped and what the plan is going forward
- Acknowledge that they might not be the best fit and help you find someone more suited to your needs
A defensive therapist will:
- Blame you for the lack of progress
- Get defensive about their approach
- Suggest that your expectations are unrealistic
- Make you feel guilty for questioning them
That tells you everything you need to know.
The Bottom Line
Not all couples therapists are created equal. The training, approach, and skill level vary dramatically.
If your therapy isn’t helping after a few months, don’t assume your relationship is hopeless. It might just be the therapy that’s not working.
Looking for a different approach? The Intimacy Paradox: Too Close for You — Too Far for Me: An Essential Guide to Building the Connected Couple, gives you the framework many therapists use—so you can assess whether your therapy is on the right track.
Ready for therapy that actually works? I offer intensive couples consultations designed to create rapid, meaningful change—not endless processing.