Now Available - The Intimacy Paradox in paperback and kindle
To Close for You -- Too Far for Me: An Essential Guide to Building the Connected Couple
Does one of you feel constantly criticized while the other feels shut out by defensiveness or avoidance?
You're not alone. And here's what might surprise you:
You're both wrong about what's really happening.
This isn't about one person being too demanding and the other being cold or avoidant. What if both of you are actually trying to do the exact same thing?
You're both desperately seeking emotional safety. You're both trying to protect the relationship. You've just learned completely opposite ways to do it—and those opposing strategies are tearing you apart.
The Hidden Truth
At the heart of your conflict lies a powerful paradox: you and your partner are not opposites—you are allies seeking the same thing through different means.
- The Pursuer seeks safety through closeness, communication, and immediate repair. Silence feels threatening, so they move toward their partner to restore connection.
- The Distancer seeks safety through space, calm, and time to think. Confrontation feels threatening, so they step back to regain emotional balance.
When each partner's effort to protect the relationship feels like rejection to the other, both experience deep invalidation. The Pursuer feels abandoned; the Distancer feels attacked. Both are acting from fear, and both believe their approach is the only way to save the relationship.
What You'll Learn
In this essential guide, relationship expert Marc Zola, LMFT reveals how to break free from this painful cycle. Through clear explanations, real-world examples, and evidence-based principles drawn from attachment theory and family systems research, you'll learn:
- Why your partner's "wrong" way of handling conflict is actually their attempt to save the relationship
- The crucial difference between surface-level communication styles and the deeper need for security driving both of you
- How to stop the invalidation cycle and start building safety together
- The specific steps to interrupt escalating conflict before it becomes a cycle of blame or retreat
- How to replace control with comfort—learning gentle, effective ways to influence change without coercion